Be Thou My Vision

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Prov 16:9

Shortly after my journey through Breast cancer treatment ended in February of 2012, we began another journey of treatment for our daughter’s not-so rare eye condition, Superior Oblique Paresis. At around the age of two we started to notice that her left eye was not tracking properly when she would look to the right. It was most obvious at the dinner table when she would look to my husband on her right, and the left eye would turn too far inward. It also became apparent that she would often tilt her head which we now know was a compensation of the brain to account for weakness of the muscle of the left eye.

Although it did not cause us severe worry considering what we had just been living through, we knew that we should get it checked out sooner rather than later. At the recommendation of my friend and fellow blogger at Essentialist Dad, Bud we sought the care of a Pediatric Opthamologist, Dr. Mark Preslan. I can’t say enough good about Dr. Preslan, but our first consultation with him was very difficult for me. After thoroughly evaluating our then 2.5 yr old {that is really hard to do when a child is just learning her colors and doesn’t know her letters yet}, he delivers the news that she will most likely need to have eye surgery and there is a possibility she might have a tumor on her 4th cranial nerve.

The doctor was gentle with his words and was careful to say the chances of a tumor were very unlikely but wanted to be clear that we might consider having her put under anesthesia for a MRI to rule it out. This is what my husband heard but all I heard were surgery and tumor-two words that had just rocked my world. Really, God? After all, I was just starting back to work and finding my new normal.

We actually did not feel a need to put her through a MRI at such a young age and were so grateful when Dr Preslan decided it best to conservatively monitor her condition over the next few years. We also gave some effort to patching her stronger eye to see if the left would get stronger on its own. Since the eye did not seem to be improving with time and patching, we eventually came to the conclusion that she should undergo the previously mentioned surgery before starting kindergarten.

We finally got to the place of scheduling the surgery for March of this year. The one post-op instruction we kept hearing was that she should not go under water for 10 days. So in an effort to ensure that her summer of swimming and beaching it would not be delayed, we sought to have it done in early spring. The week of her surgery came and she started to feel a little feverish. However, not the kind of feverish where her temp is 103 and obviously she shouldn’t be having surgery in two days. This was the 99.5 kind when one minute your kid acts slightly more cranky than usual (that’s quite a sliding scale) but then acts perfectly fine the next minute. I am convinced I might be a lot better at this mom thing if there weren’t so many dang decisions to make. So on the morning of her scheduled surgery, I grabbed her out of bed at 5 am to get to the surgery center located in downtown Baltimore in time. However, as her vitals were being taken the nurses realized she actually did have a fever and would not be able to have the surgery.

The surgery was rescheduled for another day but wouldn’t you know she turned up with strep the day before her rescheduled day. What do they say, third time is a charm? I guess so, but even the charm was not enough to convince me that going forward with this surgery for our daughter was what we were supposed to be doing. In fact, I was starting to question it big time.

Because my own vision was blurred on the subject, I decided it best to do the two things that seemed too passive at the time but in my heart knew they were right…pray and trust. See I had just walked through many medical appointments and saw God’s hand at work in various different ways. I knew His timing and circumstances are always right so I trusted that the first scheduled surgery was not the day and neither was the second. Perhaps the third wasn’t going to happen either but it wasn’t going to be in my control. Did I mention before that cancer makes you feel small and understand the depth of your lack for control? You just hope it carries over into life after the journey is through.

 

The third almost didn’t happen when my son woke up sick the morning of her surgery. Thankfully my mom came to the rescue to stay with him but this meant I took her to surgery by myself. After my husband had already taken two wasted days off from work, the plan was for my mom to get our son on the bus then meet me at the hospital. She stayed home with him and I walked on in trust….alone. Looking back on that morning, I recall a really sweet time with my daughter. Just the two of us in hospital gowns and funny head wear. I got to laugh at her being loopy from funny medicine and wondering how many times I must have been that way during my surgeries and chemo. Then I actually cried as she went under anesthesia. That is really stinkin hard! But I just felt this overwhelming love for her in that moment. It was as if that day gave me different eyes to see the depth of my love for my children and how much I long for them to be healthy and without any disability. I knew that but God wanted to remind me of it that day, at that hospital, alone with my little girl.

So all this brings me to a few weeks ago. It had been 95 days since surgery and we got to pay a visit to Dr Preslan one week before the start of school for our almost six year old. I am thrilled to share that all tests show that our girl now uses her left eye as much as the other and her tracking is almost perfect. I am still not completely positive why circumstances happened the way they did. {Writing this has actually helped me understand a little bit better.} Perhaps it was the struggle of the journey to get there that made the result that much sweeter.

Kinda like life as we journey toward heaven…